Sunday, May 17, 2009

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'

Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' '

t's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

What are you doing Sister?

Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner

Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

No, no, no, it's called d a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

Monday, March 16, 2009

This is a great little story. Hope you enjoy..

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautifulyounger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

Iopened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a betterman for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

MAGNOLIAS...........By Edna Ellison
I spent the week before my daughter's June wedding running last-minute trips to the caterer, florist, tuxedo shop, and the church about forty miles away.

As happy as I was that Patsy was marrying a good Christian young man, I felt laden with responsibilities as I watched my budget dwindle . .So many details, so many bills, and so little time.

My son Jack was away at college, but he said he would be there to walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before.

He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!

To save money, I gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees. Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church.

After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, we banked the podium area and choir loft with magnolias.

As we left just before midnight, I felt tired but satisfied this would be the best wedding any bride had ever had!

The music, the ceremony, the reception - and especially the flowers - would be remembered for years.

The big day arrived - the busiest day of my life - and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, her fiance Tim walked with me to the sanctuary to do a final check.

When we opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, I almost fainted; and then I saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black. Funeral black.

An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.

I panicked, knowing I didn't have time to drive back to our hometown, gather more flowers, and return in time for the wedding.

Tim turned to me. 'Edna, can you get more flowers? I'll throw away these dead ones and put fresh flowers in these arrangements.'I mumbled, 'Sure,' as he be-bopped down the hall to put on his cuff links.

Alone in the large sanctuary, I looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. 'Lord,' I prayed, 'please help me. I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!'

I scurried out praying for four things: the blessing of white magnolias, courage to find them in an unfamiliar yard, safety from any dog that may bite my leg, and a nice person who would not get out a shotgun when I asked to cut his tree to shreds.

As I left the church, I saw magnolia trees in the distance..

I approached a house...

No dog in sight. I knocked on the door and an older man answered. So far so good. No shotgun.

When I stated my plea the man beamed, 'I'd be happy to!'

He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to me.

Minutes later, as I lifted the last armload into my car trunk, I said, 'Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today.

''No, Ma'am,' he said. 'You don't understand what's happening here.

''What?' I asked.'You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday.

On Tuesday I received friends at the funeral home, and on Wednesday. He paused. I saw tears welling up in his eyes. 'On Wednesday I buried her.' He looked away. 'On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday - yesterday - my children left.'

I nodded.'This morning,' he continued, 'I was sitting in my den crying out loud. I miss her so much.

For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she needed me. But now nobody needs me. This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man? Nobody!' I began to cry louder.

'Nobody needs me!' About that time, you knocked, and said, 'Sir, I need you.'I stood with my mouth open.He asked,

'Are you an angel? The way the light shone around your head into my dark living room....'I assured him I was no angel.

He smiled. 'Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?''No.''I decided I'm needed.

My flowers are needed. Why, I might have a flower ministry! I could give them to everyone!

Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers. People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them.

They're all over the backyard! I can give them to hospitals, churches - all sorts of places.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!'

I drove back to the church, filled with wonder.

On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked me to encourage someone who was hurting, I would have said, 'Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness' sake! There is no way I can minister to anyone today.'

But God found a way. Through dead flowers.'Life is not the way it's supposed to be.

It's the way it is.

The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'

If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing.

If you have missed some of my emails, you may have missed a laugh.

But, if you have missed knowing my LORD and SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST, you have missed everything in the world.

May God's blessings be upon you.

THIS IS SO TRUE, BEING NEEDED IS SO UPLIFTING TO EACH OF US... This story is too beautiful not to send...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Off to Vegas!!!

I guess it is time to take another trip. My mom sent me an e-mail last week wanting to know my direct line phone number at work. Said she was going to make my flight reservations. I emailed her back asking her .....What flight reservations?? She replied "the ones to Vegas next weekend", So after many emails and phone calls she got me to say yes.

So ~ Friday I will leave work early, fly into Burbank. Saturday we (my mom, myself and my 2 sisters) will have a spa day and on Sunday we will get up bright and early and leave for Vegas, where we will stay here...

The is the Mandalay Bay hotel. We will stay here for 3 days, go back to Burbank and I will fly home Wednesday of next week.

Isn't my mom the best......I mean really....she is fantastic!!

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

To all the flawed women I know....

The One Flaw In Women By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands.'
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.
'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'
'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think, s
he will be able to reason and negotiate.'
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'
'That's not a leak,'
the Lord corrected,
'that's a tear!' '
What's the tear for?' the angel asked.
The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss c
an heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give
Amen! Don't forget what you are worth ladies!!