Thursday, September 11, 2008

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I have a MAJOR prayer request.

I have some friends in Wisconsin that I have not spoken with for a while. Something told me to call them yesterday.

I found out that my friend's (Vicki) husband (Joe) has had cancer that they cleared a couple of years back ( I already knew that part) but it seems that the cancer has come back (this is the part that I did not know) and they have given him 6 month to a year to live. Every time I think of this the tears come. I have not been back to Wisconsin since I left 7 years ago and I miss them so much, even more now.

They have 2 grown children and 7 grandchildren.

I also found out the their oldest daughter has filed for divorce from her husband. A couple of months back she found out that her husband has been molesting their 9 year old daughter. The son-of-a-bitch is scheduled for court the latter part of this month. Lets hope they hang the bastard!

They also have 3 boys and they think that he has done some things to the boys also but the boys are not talking. Their daughter finally told her mom but asked that she not say anything because the dad told her that he would kill her if she told and of coarse being a little girl, she believed him. BASTARD!!

And on another note, my dear friend from Minnesota has lost her mother in law. She passed away yesterday morning so please be in prayer for her also.

I know with all of my heart that the power of prayer works. I just want him to spend a little more time with his family. He is the bread winner, he is their rock and I just don't know what they will do without him.

Thanks for listening, and reading. It was a very sad day.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Subject: Women multiply

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.